How do you reflect on 37 years of love, caring, and protection from the one person who was always there for you…The one person that cleaned your skinned knees a child, who scraped every penny to buy you that must have new Lego set, the person who always had a bed for you even when you left for college.
Is it right to let work keep you from taking time to reflect on these things? Should friends and personal commitments keep you from having a day to sink back into those memories? Or do you just keep plugging away, not allowing yourself to live in the past, pushing forward, keeping a strong focus on today?
This past year has gone by all too quickly and I wonder if I kept my mother in my thoughts enough. I wonder if my achievements to-date and especially over the past year would make her proud. Well, of course she would. I could have had any profession in good standing and she would have been proud…she was my mom.
I still have a dozen boxes of her dolls in our basement. I can procrastinate having to sort through them for awhile with all of the other priorities going on right now. But is my procrastination really out of respect for her things or my lack of desire to accept she is really gone?
Every time I see my boys look at a picture of her or Braxton asks about her, I’m so thoroughly crushed by the thoughts of her missing them grow up. She was still such a kid at heart and loved every moment with her grandchildren. Am I going to be the kind of father my kids will be so inspired by when I’m gone?
Life is such a circus of emotions where every one or thing holds a lever of some size that slows you down, speeds you up, and throws you into a tail spin. The lever that was pulled last year at this time was the one I never expected so soon. As much as I love surprises, April fool’s, and jumping out at my kids from around the corner, unexpected stops on the roller coaster shouldn’t be part of the ride.
As I write this down, I wonder if it’s therapeutic, cathartic, or a feeble attempt to take action when there were so many times when I could have done more. Thinking of her, my eyes well up, my throat gets choked, my breathing slows, and my head just drops. It’s just still too difficult to accept. She was such a better person that I could ever be and she was my compass.
I can’t help but think about how fortunate I was in the midst of a challenging childhood to have one of the world’s greatest hearts in my mom.
I’ll never let a day go by where I’m not thankful for the lessons she instilled within me.
As I faded in and out during my meetings today, I found myself remembering random, nonsensical things that I’ll always keep with me….
She loved Sean Connery…It’s a strange notion to find out your mother finds an actor in your favorite movie series is attractive….made me smile to think about that moment…
Fabric stores…Just walking in and being enveloped in the smell of a Jo-Ann Fabrics or Michaels brings back a flood of memories hiding behind yards of fabric and complaining about wanting to leave…now it’s nostalgic…go figure
Pretzels…she loved them… and would eat them on the road to help her stay awake on trips around the Midwest…when we got our car back from her after living overseas, the floors we covered in pretzel salt…it was funny then, and even funnier now…
So, I know I’ll eventually find a home for her myriad collection of dolls. My boys will continue to enjoy all of her Disney movies. I’ll spend time remembering the simple times that she was so good at reminding me of, through her innocence and wonder at life. And I think I’ll sit down and watch one of her favorites, remembering how she’d have popcorn and work on her sewing crafts while watching and laughing like we all used to as a child. That’s really life…staying as true to ourselves as we were in our youth, our true north…that’s what she always did.
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